Who are you, again?
Ten years ago, when Cliff and I got married, he had hair and I had thighs that would have fit into skinny jeans, had they been stylish then. I was shy in groups and reticent to ever express a strong opinion; Cliff was more brash. He was headed for a career in social work. I wanted to be a writer. Cliff was thinking about converting to Catholicism. I thought women shouldn’t be pastors. We weren’t positive we wanted kids. Everything we cared about could fit in the trunk of our car.
Now, Cliff has moved past Catholicism: our pastor’s name is Laura. I’ve learned to share my opinion, and occasionally cross the line to brash; Cliff has softened his voice. He’s left social work behind and is now in non profit management. I’m on the same career path. We own a house full of stuff, though the things we care about most still fit in the back of our car: safely buckled in two car seats. And the hair and thighs, well, time changes things.
Here’s what I’m trying to say: who I married on September 8, 2001, isn’t quite the same person in my bed tonight. The change has been gradual, but the differences are stark. In fact, our son recently looked at a picture from our wedding day, and asked, “Where are you guys?” Good question.
We’ve been lucky: we’ve changed roughly in step with each other. Many of the changes have been for the better (I’ve learned to be more direct; Cliff has learned to listen more). And we’ve developed the thick skin it takes to tolerate the changes that are a bit tougher to stomach.
Not everyone is so lucky: some changes take more adapting. Think of the career woman who decides to be a stay at home mom. Or the stay at home mom who finds herself yearning for a career. Either occupation is respectable, but a sudden and passionate swing from one to the other can unsettle a relationship, especially for a husband who thought he was married to one and finds himself working out weekly schedules and budgets with the other.
I know of other families where one partner has suddenly become a serious runner, requiring hours of Saturday morning training runs and changed diets for the whole family.
And what if your husband becomes more brash? Your wife more bossy? What if illness or parenthood or unemployment changes something fundamental about your partner’s personality? Even if only temporary, the result can be feeling like you’re in bed with a stranger.
Ethicist Lewis Smedes says of his marriage, after 25 years, “My wife has lived with at least five different men since we were wed – and each of them has been me.”
What do we do about this? The answer isn’t to avoid change. The answer is to somehow respect the changes in each other, change in step when you can, and give your spouse space to be who he or she needs to be when you can’t. I think the answer also lies, somehow, in the promises we make to each other.
Smedes writes that “when I make a promise to anyone, I rise above all the conditioning that limits me.” Essentially, you have to rise above who you are and who you see yourself with to be open to who your partner is becoming. Let the promises you made be the through-thread of your relationship, when other things seem less certain. Find unlimited potential in who you could become together. Find excitement in being in bed with someone new.
Tim Keller, in his book The Meaning of Marriage, quotes Smedes (above) and then offers this wisdom: ”Over the years you will go through seasons in which you have to learn to love a person who you didn’t marry, who is something of a stranger. You will have to make changes you don’t want to make, and so will your spouse. The journey may eventually take you into a strong, tender, joyful marriage. But it is not because you married the perfectly compatible person. That person doesn’t exist.”
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Full disclosure: I haven’t read Smedes. I’m lifting his quotes from Tim and Kathy Keller’s book, The Meaning of Marriage.
I always enjoy reading your posts, Amber, and this one is no exception. If you have a chance, listen to this week’s “This American Life” on love. There’s one, sorta sad story in my opinion. of a couple who lived together for years and years and then decided to take a 30 day break from each other before getting married. I don’t want to give away the whole story but the guy concluded at the end that all relationships should be renegotiated every couple of years. Then Ira Glass, who isn’t a Christian, suggested to the man that the intimacy and security of a relationship is that it is permanent. It was fascinating.
I meant to listen to TAL last weekend, and missed it. Will definitely check out the podcast, on your recommendation. And congrats to Ira Glass, for figuring out that commitment is part of the total package. Because I know you’re a reader … have you read Keller’s book? Curious to get your opinion – feel free to share off line.
My husband and I have been married since 2008, but have been together as a couple since 3 days before I turned 16 years old. (Almost half my life now!) When we made the decision to attend colleges in different states, we knew that there was the chance that we’d grow apart, into different people who were no longer compatible. I’m so glad that as we’ve gone through the years, we have both grown and changed, but have been able to appreciate and celebrate who we are and who we are becoming, and remain together in love.
That’s a great example, Danika. Thanks for sharing. Do you think the secret was something you did to stay compatible, or just that you were so intrinsically compatible from the start?
[...] really listen. And after awhile, the busyness can create a gulf so that you feel like you’re living with a stranger instead of that person you knew and loved so well you pledged to spend your lives [...]
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