More on Marriage & Parallel Parking

May 21, 2013 by Amber

Parallel parking2

I saw this someecard today, and recalled a post from last year on how I can never seem to parallel park with Cliff is in the car. Though I can whip into tight spaces when I’m alone, I always seem to whiff instead of whip when Cliff is riding with me. Based on some research out of the University of Chicago, I can tell you this has an official academic name: choking.

At the heart of choking is our deep, underlying desire to be impressive to people we like and love. 

On Sunday my children decided to dress up for church – not necessary, as our congregation leans toward casual. Maggie put on a dress that twirled when she spun. Sam put on a tie and khakis (and a belt – despite the fact that the pants didn’t have belt loops). A friend of mine saw them and commented on how nice Sam looked.

Unashamed, Maggie looked up at my friend and asked, “Do you like me?”

Later, my friend commented, “Isn’t this how we all really are?” A compliment is paid to someone else, and we wait, in expectation and disappointment for a compliment as well. We need, daily, the affirmation that we are beautiful and impressive and smart and strong.

We need to parallel park like a champ.

But we choke. Marriage, and real friendships of every kind, are about choking without consequences. It’s about laughing at mistakes together. It’s about whiffing and then trying again. It’s about not looking pretty, but being attractive to each other anyway.

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Love, Light, Strength (and Glue): When the Bonds of Marriage are Tested. Really Tested.

May 14, 2013 by Amber

How does marriage survive chronic, devastating problems? Sarah Kishpaugh has something to teach us.

On this blog, we tend to operate under the assumption that your marriage is mostly fine. Maybe not spectacular, but doing okay. We presume you read this blog because it makes you feel not-alone in the little niggling thoughts about your relationships, or because it holds you accountable to a higher standard, or because you want to take (hat tip to Jim Collins) your marriage from good to great. We make these assumptions because that’s where we are , in our marriage.

We’re lucky. We know that. Just scrolling through my (broad) friend list on Facebook, I can see couples that survived infidelity; that survived the death of a child, or a child’s chronic (and someday terminal) illness. I see couples that have conquered unemployment. That have faced the fact that they married impulsively, and have decided to make it work anyway. Hats off to you. 100 percent respect.

I am completely unqualified to offer marriage advice in general, but especially to people facing some of life’s more extreme circumstances. Perhaps that’s why I was so entranced by a recent New York Times article by Sarah Kishpaugh called Love, Light, Strength (and Glue).

Kishpaugh’s husband Miles was in his early 30s when a work accident left him in a coma for more than a month. He came home from the hospital looking mostly like his old self, but he wasn’t. Not really. Kishpaugh writes:

 I knew that he felt like squashed garbage and that his brain was mush. He wandered from room to room with his head in his hands wondering what had hit him. He felt nauseated and slept most of the day.

When he told me he didn’t “feel love,” I tried to stay calm.

How does one “stay calm” in the midst of such circumstances? Love and commitment are the only explanations.

Kishpaugh and her husband weathered years of physical therapy and grand mal seizures and financial stress in the midst of the normal busy family lives we all experience. It took more than four years to find any sort of break through. But now, Kishpaugh writes:

I doubt I’ll ever say I’m grateful for the experience. And yet, because of it, I like myself better. When I finally broke through my wall of despair, I realized what I had gained: a sense of aliveness and appreciation that has opened me up and cracked me free.

We’ve been holding hands a lot lately, Miles and I. Before bed the other night, this man who once feared he could no longer feel love said: “I love you so much, Sarah. Now more than ever.”

If your life seems perfect, and untouchable, and illness or tragedy seem light years away, you should read this article and celebrate that this kind of love exists in the world. And if your life, and your marriage, are buffeted on every side, then read this article and believe in possibilities. I am humbled.

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The Least Important Most Important Thing

May 8, 2013 by Cliff

 

HeadphonesOur family mostly enjoys road trips. After all, what red-blooded American couldn’t appreciate the open road or gas station snacks or alphabet games or playlists (formerly known as mix tapes)? Unfortunately, road trips are preceded by packing. And while packing once seemed pretty simple, it is now one of the most dreaded processes in our household. Once bags start getting stuffed and thermostats start getting adjusted, it’s simply a matter of time. Someone will break. Someone’s voice will raise. Someone’s temper will flare up. Just wait.

Packing did not used to be like that, mind you. The twenty five year old versions of ourselves only needed toothbrushes, underwear and books to read. The thirty something (ahem) versions of ourselves need far more. There are toys and snacks and blankets and technological devices. In other words, packing started to suck when we had kids. Plain and simple. My wife recently wrote a post about autopsy without blame, but kids are exempt from that. Feel free to blame children for anything and everything…especially when they’re not around. Or online.

Regardless, packing inevitably causes problems. We’ll argue over how much we’re bringing or we’ll get stressed because the kids keep asking questions or we’ll develop a martyr complex because we’re doing so much. Eventually, everything gets packed and everyone gets going. But the adrenaline takes time to dissipate, and those first few minutes of driving can be somewhat demanding. Especially if something’s forgotten.

And that’s precisely what happened last year sometime. We’d finally escaped Chicago’s city limits when our son asked for some iPod time. So Amber reached for the iPod and headphones…only to find that the headphones were missing. And I kinda flipped out. To be fair, several concerns arose in my mind just then. I was picturing Sam blasting Yo Gabba Gabba throughout the car. I was picturing his younger sister waking from nap time because of the volume. And – most importantly – I was mourning the loss of NPR podcasts…a blessed road trip tradition that only works when the little people in the backseat are sleeping and/or wearing headphones. So I said some words that have since lived on in infamy:

“You forgot the headphones?! Those were like the most important thing for us to remember.”

It was an unfortunate choice of words. Clearly, the headphones were not the most important thing…they probably did not rank in the top 50 most important things. But I refused to allow logic or rationality to get in the way. Strangely, we survived the next two hours without headphones (shocking, I know). And I was forced to admit that perhaps headphones were not that important, after all.

The next time we were packing – when everyone was rushing around and emotions were running high – I casually joked that we’d better remember those incredibly important headphones. Amber was more than happy to join the fray, laughing at my previous overreaction and mocking our mutual tendency to stress out before trips. It’s become both an inside joke and a subtle reminder. We never pack that car without referencing the all-important headphones, “Oh, don’t forget the headphones! They’re incredibly important, you know.” We laugh at my poor choice of words. We shake our heads at the trivialities that become issues somehow. We remember that stressing out over road trip preparations (over most things, really) is pretty pointless.

Family narratives like this are pretty crucial, actually (we’ve written about others here before). The stories we tell ourselves about ourselves do far more than make us laugh…they remind us about who we were, who we are and who we are becoming. In other words, they’re far more important than a pair of headphones. Then again, most things are.

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Posted in Communication, Fighting, Parenting | 2 Comments »

I’m Always Right. Until I’m Wrong.

May 6, 2013 by Amber

My arguments are a lot like this car - full steam ahead until I fall off a cliff (pun not intended). Image via Flickr "faster panda kill kill."

My arguments are a lot like this car – full steam ahead until I fall off a cliff (pun not intended). Image via Flickr “faster panda kill kill.”

The email arrived in the middle of my work day – just a line or two from Cliff: “We’ve got to figure out what we’re doing about the dinner on 5/14. Are we cooking, buying, asking people to bring potluck?”

What dinner on the 14th? I wondered. Are we hosting something? I checked our Google calendar (which we pretty much live and die by), and there was nothing there. Working to be very polite, I wrote back, “What dinner? Nothing on the calendar.”

In the next email, Cliff reminded me of the dinner (which he had told me about … I’d just forgotten), and then wrote, “It’s showing on my calendar.”

Ready to prove him wrong, I clicked back to the Google calendar and checked again … sure enough, it was there. On May 14th. I’d checked June the first time around.

This is basically a replay of a conversation from a few weeks ago, with roles reversed. I accused Cliff of stealing my car keys and suggested he check his coat pocket. He informed me there was no way the keys were in his coat pocket; he’d just taken it off, and surely would have noticed them there. Humoring me, he stuck his hand into a coat pocket to illustrate its emptiness … and pulled out my keys.

In my experience, certainty lurks just around the corner from discovering you were dead wrong. We’ve covered being wrong on the blog before, and we’ve established my ability to be really wrong about really important and expensive things. In both the above examples, I was grateful for our extra efforts to state things politely and with a smile or sense of humor. It’s one thing to be sure, it’s another thing to be rude too. 

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Autopsy without Blame: How to Diagnose What Went Wrong in Your Latest Fight

April 10, 2013 by Amber

OperationIn my day job I often interview senior executives, the CEO, and front-line workers about a company’s culture and practices. The conversation is often inspiring, as it was not long ago at a Chicagoland catering company that I admire for its strong, positive, people-focused culture.

In our interviews, various employees at this company used a phrase that caught my attention: Autopsy Without Blame (AWoB). They use this phrase to refer to the dissection that takes place after something has gone amiss. Say an order is screwed up, and a high class event is missing their wine and cocktails, a $5,000 mistake. Other companies would scream and fire over a mistake of this size, which is a big hit to the budget. But at this company, after fixing the immediate problem, the team steps back for an AWoB.

At work and at home, most of us are willing to do an autopsy: we’re willing to figure out what got screwed up, why, and who is at fault. It’s the “without blame” part that makes this company unique. In most mistakes, who is at fault matters less than making sure it doesn’t happen again in the future, and than retaining the strong interpersonal relationships that make for a great marriage or a great place to work.

In the month or so since the interviews I’ve thought of the AWoB phrase repeatedly. I think the concept transfers well to the topic of marriage, so here are my reflections on what’s important for performing an AWoB in your relationship.

Get some space

In real life, autopsies aren’t done at the scene of a crime. They’re done in a lab – a new, neutral environment – hours, days, or even weeks after. In your relationships, you need some distance from the fight or problem to fairly perform an AWoB. I know “don’t let the sun go down on your anger” is a standard piece of marriage advice. And most of the time it’s true. But sometimes some distance from the immediate, emotional response of anger is the best thing you can do to ensure an honest and kind conversation. Don’t do the autopsy until you’re in a calm emotional space.

Neutral environments can help too. Melissa Weiner-Davis, in her aging but useful book Divorce-Busting (which we’ve referenced many times on this blog, like here and here), recommends changing locations in the middle of a fight. Move from the living room to the bathroom … it doesn’t solve the problem, but a new location can function like a “reset” button. For your autopsy, pick a location that’s neutral – the back porch, the local coffee shop.

Show respect

Here’s where my degree in communications comes in handy. Whenever you’re discussing a challenge, always use “I” language. In other words, instead of “You really upset me when ….,” try starting with, “I felt upset when …” This takes the blame off the other person, and puts the real problem front and center.

Give benefit of the doubt. Start the autopsy by assuming your partners has a very reasonable explanation for the position he holds, the choices he made, etc. Assume the best of him or her.

Did it turn out that your partner was a little at fault for the circumstance that led to the argument? Then show gentle disregard - if you believe your partner really wants the best for you and your relationship, then it’s not too difficult to overlook a few imperfections. You want them to do the same for you.

And finally, part of showing respect is realizing that at least half your argument was crap to begin with. This always happens to me. I feel impassioned about an opinion or a certain course of action. I argue for it vigorously. Defensively. With disregard for Cliff’s perspective. Then I actually listen to his perspective and realize that a solid percentage of my own opinion isn’t as defensible as his. An AWoB gives you the space to make a U-turn when required.

Take responsibility for the future

Finally, if only one participant ends the autopsy with a “to do list” for change, then it wasn’t really an autopsy without blame. You both screwed up somehow, I’m certain of it. Figure out what you can do differently in the future to keep disagreements from escalating to fights, fights from becoming big problems, and big problems from sucking the joy out of your relationship.

The autopsy analogy breaks down, of course. Autopsies happen after something has died. Your relationship isn’t dead … but the argument can be. Dissect it, figure out how to fix the root causes, and move toward the future. Together.

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Posted in Advice & Tips, Fighting, Happiness | 2 Comments »

What’s Happening in Your Home Every 20 Seconds? (AKA: Why Your Stay at Home Spouse May be Seconds Away from Going Mad)

March 18, 2013 by Amber

Interval timer

Find this maddening little timer and run your own experiment at http://www.online-stopwatch.com/interval-timer/.

We’re coming up on a new phase in our lives as parents, here at the Johnson household. That we were on the edge of this new phase became apparent a few weeks ago. Cliff had the day off work but I didn’t, and Sam had school. Hoping to get a little Daddy-Daughter play date underway, Cliff kept Maggie (age 3) home from daycare and planned to spend the day doing the things she loves best: puzzles, Legos, and playing family.

Instead, Maggie announced  she wanted to play by herself. And then she spent more than an hour happily rearranging toys in her room, making a little house for her dolls. Cliff read a book.

Apparently we’re approaching an age where both our children are capable of entertaining themselves. This opens up new possibilities – like finding the time to read a book, or write one! – that have been virtually impossible for the last six years.

Of course we’re not there all the way yet … at times, Maggie is drawn to one of us like we’re made of magnets. She once got elbowed in the eye because she was standing, unbeknownst to me, just behind me as I worked in the kitchen. Other times she’s anything but quiet, and the constant list of questions can be both charming and maddening. And personal space: I am fairly certain there was a solid three year-stretch of my life where I never went to the bathroom without being interrupted by one of my children.

Sometimes, at the end of a long day with your kids, it can seem like you can’t finish a thought before the next request, the next imposition of personal space, is being made. I thought this was just me, until I read this:

“Behavioral psychologists have observed that preschoolers typically demand that their caretakers deal with some kind of need or desire at an average rate of three times a minute. Under ideal circumstances, a mom or dad might respond cheerfully. But when a parent is stressed or otherwise distracted, a child’s incessant, and sometimes irrational demands can drive that parent wild.” – from Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, by John Gottman.

Every 20 seconds? Some days that seems about right.

An experiment:

If you’re the partner of a stay-at-home parent, or if you’re not often left alone with your children, then here’s a little exercise that can give you an idea of what this means. Wait until you have something reasonably important to do – say, return an email from your boss, or a phone call that needs to be made. Then click on the interval timer above and set the timer to sound an alarm every 20 seconds, on repeat. See how long it takes you to throw your computer at the wall.

If you’re married to a stay-at-home mom or dad, or if your work travel schedule or weekend commitments leave your spouse at home with the kids, keep this feeling in mind. Go out of your way to be a bit more gracious to your partner upon your return. Play with your kids so he or she can get a break. Maybe take them out for a walk: anything longer than 20 seconds will be a bit of quiet your partner appreciates.

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Reach Out and Touch Someone

March 14, 2013 by Cliff

Reach outWork travel feels pretty exotic…at first. Airline miles. Meals out. Hotel stays. Free cookies (depending upon the hotel, anyway). What’s not to like, right? Well, as everyone eventually learns, there are plenty of downsides too. Those airplanes are cramped, those meals out are hardly healthy and hotels only seem glamorous for a while (especially the ones without cookies). But the biggest downside is probably distance, from home but even more from loved ones.

Amber and I actually started off our relationship long distance. We’re not quite old enough to have racked up hundred dollar long distance bills or to have chatted on corded wall phones, but our communication patterns were definitely shaped by the times. We did not have cell phones, our email access was somewhat spotty and we counted on longer phone conversations. It worked for us…for a while. But eventually our relationship changed and our habits changed along with it. Over 10+ years of marriage, we grew pretty accustomed to actually being together; in fact, over 2 years of Peace Corps, we were with each other almost every single moment. Long distance was both no longer necessary and no longer optimal.

Work travel changed that, though. When your job involves leaving home, you just have to adjust. And I’m actually adjusting right now: I’m drafting this blog post from a hotel room during my busiest travel season. So Amber and I have gone from long distance phone chats to constant time together and back to long distance again. Here are some lessons learned along the way:

  1. Technology is your friend – Hand-written love letters were lovely. And so were telegrams, for that matter. But 2013 does offer advantages, you know. Cell phones allow us to have multiple interactions per day, to share photos, to send funny web links, to talk face-to-face with minimal advanced planning. Those little interactions help two people feel connected, and help you experience days together form afar.
  2. Take what you can get – While those little interactions may seem trivial, sometimes they are the best you can manage. A one hour conversation might feel more intimate or valuable, but one hour conversations are kinda tough to pull off. Some work events start before 7 am and finish them after 8 or 9 pm. If you can manage a one hour phone chat, more power to you. Me? I’ll settle for little moments here and there. When I can call for 5 minutes, I call for 5 minutes. When I can send an email, I send an email. When I can text, I text. It’s about connection points more than anything.
  3. Quality not quantity – And here’s the thing about hour-long phone calls: they are not always particularly enjoyable. When you’ve worked for 13-14 straight hours, a long chat might seem refreshing but it also might seem draining. You can pretty quickly find yourself giving your partner your emotional/intellectual leftovers. Long conversations and facetime chats can be wonderful, but they are not valuable in and of themselves. The goal is intimacy and connection, and sometimes that’s better accomplished with a 5 minute chat and a simple “I love you.”

So those are some reflections from somebody still figuring this whole thing out (per usual). Our long distance tricks may not work for you, but feel free to comment with your own. Work travel is not all good or all bad…it is simply what you make it. Most of us spend every single workday away from our loved ones. If you can make those little connections matter during trips, you can make them matter during normal routines too. Reaching out keeps getting easier, but touching someone still takes thought and effort.

I’m gonna go grab a cookie from the lobby now.

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A Tax-Time Tale of Forgiveness

March 4, 2013 by Amber

Wicked witch

This is not a picture of me on the closet floor, but I felt equally crushed.

I’d like to tell you the story of the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. At the time, this story was so traumatic that I quarantined it for publication for 12 months. It’s only in the last few weeks that I’ve been able to recall it without getting a sick feeling in my stomach. 

It started three years ago, when we made the decision that I’d move from full-time employment to part-time work as a contractor.  Since I’m self-employed, I have to pay my own taxes, writing big checks quarterly to the state and federal governments. We looked into the process, and the tax rate, and we entered into this situation knowing what we were getting into.

Or so we thought. But taxes are really easy to miscalculate.

In the first year we underpaid and we owed, a lot. Determined to not repeat that situation, we upped our quarterly contributions. It hurt to write those checks because when you have to fill out the zeros yourself, you’re very, very aware of the percentage of your income that is sliding out the door.

Now I am not writing this to complain about taxes. I actually believe in paying taxes. If the money were better managed, I’d be happy to pay even more taxes so all the kids in my neighborhood could go to high performing public schools and we could have a road without potholes. But still … writing quarterly tax checks is just not my idea of a good time.

The federal checks were the worst, because they were the biggest. They’re so much bigger than the state checks that somehow, in 2011, I just forgot to write the checks to the state. It wasn’t intentional: I just completely overlooked it.

Unaware of this, I sat down one evening about a year ago to pull all our tax paperwork together in preparation for filing our taxes. I was completely baffled as to why I couldn’t find record of those payments to the state. For more than an hour I looked through check book records, through our online accounts, and through the sea of paperwork, trying to figure out what had happened, afraid to tell Cliff because I knew how angry he’d be.

Finally, about 10 p.m., I had to admit it: I’d made a huge, costly, potentially IRS audit-inducing mistake.

I literally crawled inside our closet, with only my feet sticking out, and screamed and cried, pounding the floor, for a good minute.

Making mistakes feels awful. It feels especially awful when you know you’ve let someone you love down. When you have no excuse other than your own stupidity.

In this case, it meant a scramble to find the extra cash to pay a year’s worth of state taxes at once. And it meant admitting that I could make such a ridiculous mistake. I have never been more upset with myself.

I can’t recall exactly what Cliff said that got me up off the closet floor, but I know what he didn’t say: he didn’t yell. He didn’t say I was stupid, or irresponsible, or untrustworthy. He didn’t criticize. He could have justified being angry. But he didn’t. He forgave me. Immediately. So much so that he even trusted me to handle our tax papers again this year (with a new system of calendar reminders firmly in place). 

Marriages thrive on forgiveness.

The best way to repay forgiveness is by not making the same mistake again. I’m happy to announce we got our estimated taxes back today, and we do not owe a dime.

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Thank You, Ben Affleck.

February 26, 2013 by Amber

Ben Affleck

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ben Affleck put his foot in his mouth – maybe – at Sunday night’s Oscars when he spoke the truth about marriage in his thank you to his wife, actress Jennifer Garner.

“It’s work,” he said. He followed that up with, “but it’s the best kind of work, and there’s no one I’d rather work with.”

You can watch his speech here. It’s only a few seconds long.

One thing I always find charming about the Oscars is that when they receive that little gold statue, the world’s best actors and actresses find themselves completely without the ability to act calm, or level headed, or nonchalant. They are overjoyed children full of nervousness and awe. Ben Affleck was that and more on Sunday night: he was honest in a gritty way that we don’t often see in Oscar speeches.

Interestingly, the web-o-sphere has been busy chattering about the Affleck-Garner marriage. Is it in trouble? Did Ben put his foot in his mouth? Is Jennifer mad? The gossips miss the point. I was going to explain the point, but someone did it better than me. Here’s Melissa Lafsky Wall, from HowBoutWe (republished on Huffington Post):

The criticism centers around this statement as lacking in cuteness, and focusing on the negative. It wasn’t the “right forum” for this type of declaration, it was a possible indicator that “something is wrong” in the marriage, he should have just stuck to “I love you and adore you and you’re perfect” — basically whining that a major Hollywood star was uncomfortably honest about his relationship and said overly blunt things about marriage in one of the most public forums on the planet.

Anyone who actually agrees with the above criticism doesn’t get marriage.

Wall goes on to write, “If you’re partnered for life, if you’re fighting this good fight against biology, then you understand that — and you see that there is nothing Affleck could have said that would have honored his wife, and HER work, more.”

In a night that is all glitz and glam and bad dance numbers, Affleck honored the noble, ongoing, sometimes rewarding work that many of us get to do. Not many of us will win Oscars, but the majority of the adult population will at some point engage in the daily work of marriage. In a way, he honored all of us who  have partnered for life. Thanks, Ben.

Garner and Affleck have been married for 10 years – nearly a lifetime in Hollywood. They’ve got a few kids and global careers and she, at least, has the ongoing pressure to fit into size 0 ballgowns. So yeah, it’s work to stay happily together. Cliff and I have been married for only a year or two longer, and we can attest to the fact that it stays work. But the best kind, as Affleck said.

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Sustaining Good Sex: How to Want What You Already Have

February 14, 2013 by Amber


Meatloaf told us we should love the one we’re with … but that’s uninspiring. How do you not just love the one you’re with, but DESIRE him, long term, in a committed and intimate way? How do you WANT him? Not just today, but for the decades to come?

It seems like Valentine’s Day is as good a day as any to tackle this topic. I encourage you to watch this TED Talk, featuring Esther Perel.

Perel reminds us that we demand a lot of marriage: comfort and familiarity, intimacy and excitement. It’s only in the last century or so that we’ve expected so much from a single relationship … and we’re living longer these days, meaning “happily ever after” can be decades more than your great grandma might have expected.

Perel is honest: toys and lingerie can’t save us from the predictability of married sex. In desire, she says, you tend not to want to go back to where you’ve already been.

As a researcher, Perel asks people (across culture, religion, and gender), “When are you most drawn to your partner?”

Many people say they are most drawn to their partner when she is away: absence and longing are major components of desire. Others say they are drawn to their partners when they are on stage, or talking animatedly to others: in other words, they are drawn to their partners when they see them behaving confidently, when others are attracted to their personality.

“Mystery,” she says, quoting Proust, “is about seeing the same with new eyes.” It is finding the mysteries that are living right next to you.

The final group of people says they are drawn to their partners in novel situations: when he’s wearing a tux, when she breaks out an old pair of cowboy boots. Novelty isn’t about new positions or new toys: it’s about creativity and attraction.

So how do you take advantage of this research? Create anticipation. It’s something you can cultivate through absence,playfulness,  imagination, creativity, novelty. Turn yourself on. Figure out what makes you feel alive and maybe a little mischievous: generate healthy desire within yourself, and your partner will likely find it too.

Also - best line from the video: Foreplay doesn’t start five minutes before sex. It pretty much starts at the end of the last orgasm.

Chocolate candies in a heart shaped box may make her smile … they are unlikely to make her toes curl. Good luck with that tonight.

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